How to deal with conflict in a healthy way.

Control and manipulation do not make for a healthy relationship.

We can probably all agree that in healthy relationships, one can only control their own behavior, and simply can't control what anyone else may do or say. What may be debatable is if hurt is supposed to be a part of a healthy relationship.

Certainly at some point, in any relationship, conflict will happen. When there is pain or conflict with a friend “closer than a brother” your response reveals what you believe about yourself.

Withdrawal, after a wound or conflict in a relationship, especially with a spouse or someone close to you, who you have previously had a healthy relationship with, is a you choice.

I would like to propose some lies behind why we disconnect or withdraw in the face of conflict.

1. I would never hurt anyone that way.

When someone hurts us, it is hard to believe that we could ever make somebody else feel the way they have made us feel.

What is true, is that we are all very capable of causing the exact same pain in others lives that someone has caused in ours. You probably already have and don’t know it or simply don’t want to admit it.

It is hard to acknowledge that we may not always be the hero of the story. Sometimes we're the villian and that's a hard pill to swallow.

Remember the disciples response to Jesus at the table when he informed them that one of them would betray him? None of them had a clue who it could be, and the bible doesn’t lead us to believe who they thought it might be.

Not long after, Judas betrayed Jesus and withdrew to hang himself, Peter denied Jesus and withdrew from Him, and in Matthew 26:56 we are told that all of the disciples withdrew from Jesus and fled--something none of them would have ever believed they could be capable of doing, until they were.

Their own fears played a huge role in their behavior, but is it possible that the disciples felt let down or failed by Jesus...

Which leads us to lie number two.

2. Pain and hurt in a relationship indicates that it is weak.

The idea that a strong relationship will crumble when we confront pain, would mean that the relationship was never strong to begin with. If it does crumble amidst confrontation, perhaps the foundation it was built upon was not as strong as you believed.

When we don’t confront our pain in relationships for fear that the other person will withdraw, we usually end up withdrawing to protect ourselves.

Instead of investigating what might be true, what might bring healing, what might move things forward and even bring more intimacy--we hide, moving the relationship to the shallow end of the pool in the name of self preservation.

The truth is, many times we don’t trust ourselves to navigate pain successfully.

Usually, if we are hurt, the ball is in our court to begin confrontation so we can move to restoration. When we walk through conflict with the desire to understand each other, the relationship develops strength in areas that weren’t strong before.

Withdrawal is passive and, ultimately, buries a problem that isn’t dead.

It does not bring strength to the relationship, and it certainly does not foster a healthy, free environment for the relationship to thrive. If we are to be known by our love, we will need to be able to stay in love through the good times and the ones that aren't so good.

If you find yourself in a situation this week where you feel let down, hurt, or wounded by another person--start asking questions.

Ask yourself how you may have contributed to the situation at hand, because it takes two to tango, and then ask the person who hurt you what may have lead them to behave in such a way.

Move toward the other person with the goal of understanding them and staying connected.

It is said that pain lets you know you are alive, and while a relationship should not be a constant struggle, or a plethora of hurts, perhaps consider that if there is pain, it may just indicate that the relationship is important to you and worth fighting for through healthy confrontation.